Two very happy things to report:
1) My kitchen is done! I’m so happy with the results and am really looking forward to cooking and getting organized with our meals. I can already tell that the new layout will make things so much easier and enjoyable.
2) My Ragnar SoCal “Solemate”, Bonnie, was in town on Monday morning during her 4 hour layover in the Phoenix airport as she made her way back home to Virginia from her Ragnar Napa weekend. I got to the airport around 8am and we were able to go have a long breakfast and I had a few leftover minutes to drive her around south Scottsdale and the Papago Park area of Phoenix near the airport. I didn’t get a chance to take her up where we live but she’ll be back in November for Ragnar Trail and will be staying with me then. I still find it amazing that a group of 12 strangers that met over the internet got along so well, still talk frequently, and want to get back together ASAP for other events. Bonnie is such a fun and kind soul – I had a blast even in just the couple of hours I could see her. Took me back to the 30+ hours in our Ragnar Van #2 very quickly, although that seems like so long ago now.
Anyway, aside from the good stuff, I’ve been feeling a bit out of sorts lately and I’m not really sure why. Not depressed, but just sort of feel like I don’t have any control in a few situations (mostly related to my kids) and that just makes me uneasy. Nothing terribly bad or awful…just stuff that mom can’t fix as they get older. I’m going to have many decades of this, I should get used to it now.
And then today, after working on managing my diet SO well all week in anticipation of my weigh-in with Dr. Z this morning, I was was so excited to see 175 lbs. on the scale. I even attempted to take a picture of the scale…it was totally overexposed but I haven’t wanted to photograph the scale in months. It has been a long time since I’ve seen that number and I knew based on yesterday’s weigh-in and the way I stuck to almost all Optifast on Tuesday, I had a good chance of getting down there. Then I even decided to wait on my breakfast until after my appointment since it was really early – I didn’t want to add any weight in my tummy. I dressed in fairly light clothes and thought to myself, I’ll definitely have a good 1-2 pound loss since last month, especially since the scale at Scottsdale Weight Loss usually reads just slightly lower than my home scale – even with my clothes on.
So I got to my appointment, hopped on the scale and the medical assistant said my weight was 177 lbs – up one pound from the 176 I weighed last month. What?! No no no. That wasn’t supposed to happen. Ugh. Immediately my feeling of satisfaction in successfully working down to the upper end of my goal range this week flew out the window and my more recent frustrated feelings of “what else can I do to get the scale heading back down?” set back in.
Now, I’ve typically not let my emotions get tied up too much in the scale reading but this morning it just seemed like a sh*t-storm. Clearly I did not gain or lose 2 pounds in the one hour between when I weighed. Clearly I was no better or worse of a person for what transpired on the scale. Clearly, in the scheme of things, this really didn’t matter. I had made it my goal to for my weight to be lower this time (even getting back down to 170 lbs) and it didn’t happen – in fact, it went UP. So, I guess that is where my frustration came in. However, scale readings aside, I haven’t felt better about the way my body is for a long time. My wedding ring feels even loser, my pants are loser – everything actually seems like I’ve lost weight. I know I put on more muscle because my lean muscle mass reading at Koko was up again too.
Dr. Z came in and asked how I was doing and I told him I was pissed off – and basically told him what I just wrote above. He asked about my clothes and we talked about muscle mass, etc. He asked if I was happy where I was at and, to be honest, aside from the scale reading, I am. So, he moved my “goal weight” up to 175lbs. I never wanted to increase my baseline but I agreed today. If I feel good in my clothes (that I’ve had since reaching goal and weighing as little as 165 lbs.) then I’m OK. When I was down to as low as 165 pounds, according to the Tanita/Koko FitCheck scale, I had 5.6 less pounds of muscle. I’ve worked so hard to bring that muscle back, I don’t want to lose any of it by reducing my calories too much again.
We continued to talk and I told him that I guess I sort of feel like I’m spinning my wheels and not getting very far. Kinda bored and uninspired as far as all this weight related stuff goes. And he said “Well, unfortunately, maintenance just isn’t very sexy”… Yep. That’s right. It isn’t. The excitement of weight loss, especially when I was putting up big numbers and dropping weight quickly, was much more fun. I had a goal and a plan. People noticed, I noticed, I got to buy new clothes, etc. etc. Maintaining a 5 pound weight window for years just isn’t too interesting. I told him I just sort of felt like I was in a sort of “no man’s land” and he pushed his computer screen around and said basically – “No… ‘no man’s land’ was at 265 pounds” and that I have to not lose sight of my accomplishment to not only lose 95+ pounds but to keep it off for this long too. He reminded me about how rare this is. So we talked more about coming up with a fitness goal again – like the half marathon goal was so helpful last year – and we talked about the different things I have coming up. I’m not wholeheartedly training for them like I should though. He suggested maybe focusing on a 5K time goal – something measurable – for the near future. He still keeps bringing up triathlons too, but I’m still non-committal about that as well.
I also told Dr. Z that now since my kitchen was finished, I wanted to try to get off of so many meal replacements. He reminded me that successful weight maintainers still use meal replacements to some degree, and I told him that just the way my lifestyle is with being on-the-go so much, protein bars were pretty much around to stay. I also told him I was using Quest bars (instead of all Optifast products) – I had not admitted that to him before and he seemed totally OK with that, although the nutrition content is probably not quite as good. He thought they were totally fine since the protein is high and they are less than 100 calories. But I want to work on eating more real food. That is about the only thing I haven’t tried differently. I’ve been eating the same things over and over – which is what successful weight maintainers do – but maybe it is time to change things up a bit and see what happens. What that is going to look like, I’m not sure….
I guess the good news is that I didn’t follow up my weigh-in appointment with a long series of bad eating choices – which usually includes a donut run. I went to the grocery and bought some food to cook up at home. Now that I have a new kitchen, it is time to get back to the basics of healthy eating again.